the simple joy of a cup of hot cocoa.


My pigeons won’t shut up they just keep serenading me with dovestep beats.


when i say “the other day” i could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between 


My dad and I were in a hotel and he tried the coffee and smiled and said “ahh, it’s like making love in a canoe.” and I said, “it’s that good?” and he stopped smiling and looked me in the eye and said, “no, it’s fucking close to water" before pouring it down the drain really dramatically and walking away.


so tonight my philosophy professor had these nasty bruises all over her arms and she stopped mid-lecture to say “sorry you guys have to look at my bruised-up body, my friend brought a stripper pole over for thanksgiving and that shit is not easy. tip your strippers. tip your strippers well” and then immediately kept talking about philosophy




do me for the vine

i’m not doing you if you’re only gonna last 6 seconds



i went to look up coup de foudre (“love at first sight”) but i fucked up


i fucked up so much

i didn’t know it was possible to fuck it up this much


my coworker just told me about a kid he knew in second grade that was really allergic to peanuts but one day during lunch he said that he couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to know what reeses taste like so he pulled out his epipen, ate the reese cup then stabbed himself with the epipen and told the teacher to call the hospital and that kid is the most hardcore kid I’ve ever heard of I wanna be his friend 


i hate it when people call me funny because I feel like I have to say something really funny again and I just can’t handle that pressure


my dentist told me i have acute gingivitis and i asked if he was hitting on me. he was laughing so hard he had to leave the room